Nonetheless, I've become extremely hungry for God. I crave holiness. I want to be so close and intimate with Jesus. I want to know Him inside and out, and as a result I want to be like Him, doing whatever he says to do - total surrender.
You might say I'm just going through a phase and that if I just worship a little more or read my Bible and pray, that soon enough I'll be content like every one else - that it's natural for Christians to become more hungry on occasion. I assure you, this isn't the case this time. I honestly believe that in a time of significant changes, pressures, and uncertainty, God is shifting a few gears in my heart and teaching me a few lessons about dependence upon Him.
With what I believe were some divine moments and conversations and a series of obvious changes in my life in transition to moving to Dallas, I feel like things in my heart are getting stirred up in the most thought-provoking, focus-shifting, and lifestyle-altering way. I think in a time of drastic change I've realized, more-so than ever, that I'm absolutely useless without God.
Without God, I have no direction.
Without God, I have no future.
Without God, I have no peace.
Without God, I have no rest.
Without God, I have nothing but myself. And that just won't cut it.
Talking with Pastor Steve at lunch a few weeks ago, realizing how incredible his devotion to following Christ and commitment to sharing His love is, and also sitting through some incredible discussions/teaching in the staff meetings at the church in the past month or so, I've began to realize how radical Jesus wants us to be and how far out on the limb he wants us to step - how tight He wants us to cling to Him for security and how close he wants us to stay by His side, following His direction.
As a result of some very cool encounters in God's presence and some challenging changes, this has been my prayer:
It doesn't matter what I want, where I want to go, what I want to do. It's what You want me to do. Let Your will be done in my life, God. You take the control seat; You tell me where we're going and I'll go with You. I don't want You to follow me in my hopeless sense of direction, but, instead, I want to follow You. You know the plans for my life. You have plans for me to prosper.
God, don't let my nature of seeking comfort and blessing be in the way of Your plans. I don't want to be whiny and so self-concerned in my prayer and attitude towards life, complaining that life is too hard and begging You to make it all easier for me. I know Your plan might lead me through a lot of pain, sacrifice, and confusion, but today I decide to trust You again. Your entire life on earth was based upon sacrifice and discomfort so that I could live to worship You eternally. I sacrifice my desires and my peace to a God who knows sacrifice like none other. You chose to give Your life to a completely unworthy people, and what have we done to pay You back. I owe You, God. I owe You my life.
Here I am, God. Do what you want with me. I'll go where you want me to. I'll do what You want me to do. I'll sacrifice my comfort for Your will. I'll surrender my heart so You can make it like Yours - clean, holy, compassionate. I lay my life at Your feet, pleading: God, though I'm not worth it, please use me. I'm Yours.
